J.Q. is old enough to learn a little about Santa--at least that the dude carries a sack of toys on his back and says "Ho Ho Ho!" But slapping an anxious toddler on a big, scary man with a burned-out attitude and a musty-smelling fur suit just because I want a picture seemed a little cruel to me. J.Q. has endured some serious changes in his life over the past eleven months or so. Mommy and Daddy no longer live together, and there are extra caregivers in far-distant locations each week. The little guy never knows where he's going to wake up or who's taking care of him on a given day. But J.Q. is fortunate in having parents who are so committed to his well-being that they make a serious effort to get along peacefully with each other and to assure their child is always in the care of someone who puts his safety before anything else. In return, J.Q. is a generally cheerful and cooperative baby. Even his temper tantrums are brief and mostly for show--he's just too busy having fun to spend much time in meltdown mode. He has to be seriously past nap time to engage in any protracted crying. There's worlds to conquer: speech, manual dexterity, exploration of environment and emotional manipulation of several aunts and grandparents (biological and voluntary). Still, it seems a shame to let this particular Christmas go by without at least a brief nod to The Man With All Those Toys and the Serious Cholesterol Problem. So I found a Night Before Christmas board book to read with J.Q. Since he's too young and too impatient to sit through the antiquated Clement C. Moore poem while we look at the illustrations, I'm going to have to modify the story a bit to appeal to his 20-month old sensibilities. Oooooo! Look, Baby! Grandma got you a new book! Good. OK...settle down now. OK...now, this book is called Night Before Santa comes to Baby's House!!! OK...let's start. Turn page, Baby. Here we go... Whoops! That's OK... Grandma just wipe up milky off of sofa and coffee table and magazines and floor. There. Where were we? No mouth...no glasses...put cup down now...kitty go away. Look! There's the moon, and WHAT'S THAT??? LOOK! REINDEERS! Owwww! OK. No...it's OK. Grandma's mouth OK. Baby's head OK? OK...more reindeers, more sleigh... BABY! Come back here! No! No outside! Too cold! No! (...45 minutes later...) Anyway! See Santa put toys in stockings for little children! BABY! Leave...the...CAT...alone! Oh, and Baby has to eat at least ONE thing per day that isn't grapes. OK? Baby! NO! NO! 
Courtesy: SouthFlorida.com*
I briefly toyed with the idea of getting a J.Q. & Santa photo taken this year--very briefly, because J.Q. has had a full-blown case of "stranger anxiety" for several months now.
(as adapted by Priscilla Pseudonym)
No, no, no! Leave Kitty's tail alone, and come sit on Grandma's lap!
No, Baby! No glasses! Grandma can't read book without glasses!
NO! Kitty doesn't want any more Cheerios!
NO MOUTH! NO! We don't chew on Santa Clause!
It was Night Before Santa Come to Baby's House, and LOOK! Everyone sleepin'!!!
Mousies sleep, Mommy/Daddy sleep, all the little children sleep...
No, Kitty! NO! Go away!
Oh! Look! Daddy hear something! Daddy jump out of bed!
Daddy has dorky hat on! Aren't we glad our Daddy not wear dorky hat to bed? YES!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen... Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, EIGHT REINDEERS!
You know why so many reindeers?
See that guy in the sleigh? That's SANTA! And Santa MORBIDLY OBESE!
We can just skip these pages...
NO MOUTH! NO! Here, let's get to the good part...
LOOK! That's SANTA! Isn't he CUTE?
And he's got TOYS! See? And he's smoking a PIPE!
But pretty soon, no books will show Santa's pipe because
Societal Health & Behavior Enforcement Squad is closing in fast, and our civil liberties
are swirling around and around and around and pretty soon go all the way down potty!
But that's another story.
OK. Long story short...Santa comes to Baby's house with TOYS!
But only if Baby is good: be nice to kitty, stop ripping off Grandma's glasses, no fishing around in the trash, no throwing food, no pinching other people and stop trying to escape from house.
*thanks to aussiegal for recommending "Scared of Santa" site to Pixie:
http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery?index=1
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
No, Mama! Scary Man! NO!
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4 comments:
Sounds like when I am trying to read to the Pea. Never a dull moment.
Ah yes, memories of reading to the nephews and nieces just like this! Merry Christmas, Priscilla!
You people better not think she's joking, because I actually heard Priscilla reading this version to JQ.
Yo, Momma! You know you got tagged by Utah Jo, right? The meme is for five things about yourself that we didn't know.
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